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Chronicles of a Corona Captive – Days 43-47

The weather is finally warming up and I can start working in the garden. At the beginning of April, I ordered several bags of soil from Miracle Gro, but, after 3 weeks, it still hadn’t arrived. I checked my confirmation email and shared my concerns with Oregano. That was the wrong thing to do. It unleashed a torrent of gardening and soil related puns. I will share them with you so that you can have a better understanding of what my quarantine experience has been like.

“It’s a dirty trick that they haven’t shipped that yet.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure the soil has already left the plant.”

“I have growing concerns that your dirt won’t arrive.”

“Maybe the soil was delivered, but stolen. No one was guardin’ the door.”

“You’ll be so excited when it arrives, you’ll soil yourself.”

(I’ll wait and allow the sound of your groaning to subside before you begin reading again.)

Underwear with the days of the week on them is useless. Since we started the lockdown, I can’t remember what day of the week it is. If it was on my underwear, I’d have to pull down my pants to check. Wouldn’t it just be easier if they made socks with the days of the week on them? One sock could be the day and one sock could have the number of the date. Then, all I would have to do is look at my feet. This would be much easier to do on a video call.

After 8 weeks of experimenting, we have discovered that there is no amount of kisses that makes Linus walk away. Keebler won’t get close enough to our faces to kiss and Otis gives us a “Don’t even think about!” look.

That is close enough, human. Go kiss Linus.

The pandemic has given teenagers a legitimate excuse to walk so far behind their parents no one knows they’re with them. Instead of coming off as a surly adolescent, people think they are being cautious and caring by observing strict social distancing guidelines.

Have to bake…have to bake…have to bake!!! Oregano’s birthday is coming up. I can’t go to the store, so I will have to make the sacrifice and bake something at home. Since he did such a fantastic job for my birthday, I’m going to attempt an untested recipe for Thin Mint cupcakes. If the cupcakes wind up tasting terrible, I can always blindfold him and give him a few real Thin Mints from the still hidden stash.

About Paprika Furstenburg

I was born with an overly developed sense of humor and poor coordination. The combination of these two character traits has taught me humility and given me the perspective to find the funny in everyday experiences.

10 responses »

  1. I think Oregano has a quick punny mind, but I have to admit that if you hadn’t mentioned that they were puns, I would have missed most of them.
    I love the “stay back” photo!
    Enjoy the baking 😀
    And… Happy Birthday to Oregano.

    • I will pass your wishes along to the birthday boy. Thanks! Oregano is the king of puns! He says them. Has t-shirts that speak for him. He even has a pandemic pun shirt for our yoga classes: “Namaste 6 feet away.”

  2. Thinking of all of those puns is a dirty job, but somebody has to do it! I’ll be happy to explain them if anyone didn’t get them. Paprika tells me that just because she isn’t laughing, it doesn’t mean she didn’t get it.

    Looking forward to my Thin Mint cupcakes!

  3. I cracked and baked!!! Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies!!! Then Publix had a bogo on their own in store chocolate chip cookies. The world is against me……

  4. Perhaps your “salesman” died…..I understand his name was Willie Loaman (sp). Sorry, but us seniors need to dig deep for a good pun.

  5. I’m digging all these puns from Oregano.


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