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My Greasy Valentine

Valentine’s Day has gotten out of control. It is no longer a day to tell the people you love how you feel about them. It’s a day to drop a wad of cash on a grand gesture to show them how you feel about them. Clearly, the less you spend on your valentine, the less you love them. That is the message advertisers are sending. The cost of anything remotely romantic becomes unreasonably expensive.  With traditional gifts like flowers or jewelry, you may want to offer your heart, but it will cost an arm and a leg to do so.

Candy is a perennial Valentine’s Day treat. The wonderful thing about giving candy is the wide range of price points at which it is available. Just about every type of candy on the market comes festively wrapped in pink or red this time of year. If you are a true romantic and a traditionalist, there is always the heart-shaped box of chocolates you can grab at the drugstore on the way to pick up your date. However, if your valentine has a more discerning palate, you’ll have to spring for the gourmet chocolates.

If your sweetheart has a sweet tooth, but you feel that a box of store-bought confections is just too impersonal there is a solution to that problem. With some creativity and a few clicks of a mouse, you can customize M&Ms for your loved one. You can select the blend of colors and they will print any image or message you can cram onto their crunchy candy coating. Does your valentine prefer those disgustingly chalky conversation hearts? There is a website that will allow you to capture the essence of your relationship and stamp it on those hearts as long as it can be summed up in 2 lines of text with no more than 9 characters per line.  Be sure to proofread. At $45 a pound, you don’t want a spelling mistake to send the wrong message to your beloved.

 

But what if your Valentine sweetie prefers salty treats? Don’t worry. Your options are more limited, but purveyors of traditionally non-romantic items want a cut of Cupid’s cash flow. If an item can be made into the shape of a heart, it can be a symbol of your undying love. There are now heart-shaped pizzas, donuts and bagels. What could express feelings of love better than heart-shaped dough fried in oil?

With economic times being tough your heart might be bigger than your budget. The most sincere valentines are the ones you make yourself. Gone are the days when we would sit down with red construction paper, glitter, glue and paper doilies to create a homemade valentine, but with some rudimentary culinary skills you can create a unique Valentine’s Day gift that won’t soon be forgotten: a bacon bouquet.

Before you scoff at the idea of this greasy valentine consider this; the price of bacon doesn’t skyrocket as February 14th approaches. A quick trip to the grocery store and some patience in the kitchen is all you’ll need to whip up a truly original gift guaranteed to surprise even the most jaded valentine. Imagine how easy it would be to woo your beloved when they arrive home to a house filled with the intoxicating aroma of bacon. Don’t think bacon is sexy? Just watch this clip from Seinfeld. George Costanza thinks the salted, cured meats are quite the aphrodisiac and he’s not alone.

With a bacon bouquet you’ll certainly capture your valentine’s heart. Let’s just hope all that bacon doesn’t clog up its arteries.

Tempted? Want the recipe for a bacon bouquet? Click here.

About Paprika Furstenburg

I was born with an overly developed sense of humor and poor coordination. The combination of these two character traits has taught me humility and given me the perspective to find the funny in everyday experiences.

49 responses »

  1. Just checking in – and got another laugh over this ( and the message hearts oddly a companion piece with Views and Mews by Coffee Kat’s “Words are all we have” today. Hearts and best words to you!

    Reply
  2. My reply is coming rather late; anyway i wish i had seen this before valentine’s. It could have been a big money saver and unique too. I cracked my head trying to think what to get my better half. I later settled for some wine set. I didn’t get the wow kind of reaction when i handed it to him but the bacon roses would have definitely given me that. I will try it though, you know what they say, everyday should be valentines.
    Lovely information…….Thank you Paprika

    Reply
    • Bacon roses aren’t just for Valentine’s Day. Who wouldn’t love to get them any old day of the year? Good luck making them. Let me know how it turns out.

      So glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment 🙂

      Reply
  3. Let me see now…I’ve read two of your posts. The first one was about pigs in a blanket on New Year’s Eve and now raw bacon for Valentine’s, so now I’m expecting to hear about ribbing on April Fool’s Day…and let me guess, on Robert Burns day you stuff the haggis with chocolate? 🙂

    Reply
    • Now that you mention it, my last few posts have been rather pork-centric. I’ll have to be mindful of that in the future 🙂 The idea of chocolate filled haggis is just wrong in so many ways.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

      Reply
  4. Bacon roses… who knew, right???? LOL I use to get a big kick out of watching my students giving out those little valentines. They had to be so sure that they were not TOO mushy or TOO mushy to the WRONG person… LOL Great blog! 😀

    Reply
    • I’m so glad you enjoyed the post 🙂

      I would have never thought of the idea of bacon roses. I’m not even sure how anyone comes up with the idea of bacon roses. What makes someone look at a piece of raw bacon and think it can be a rose?

      Reply
  5. Will definitely make a bacon bouquet for Sandy for his birthday!!!!! I know that’s against the rules – it’s not Valentine’s Day or Father’s Day – but I am an against the rules type of person.

    Made me laugh once again 🙂

    On Tue, Feb 12, 2013 at 6:54 PM, Good Humored

    Reply
    • Bacon bouquets strike me as a gift that would be suitable to celebrate any occasion – well maybe not for the High Holidays or Passover. If you do make the bouquet, you’ll have to let me know how it turns out.

      So happy I could make you laugh again.

      Reply
  6. Oh Dog! You gave me some bacon roses and I’d be your Valentine forever!

    This sounds crass, but Jen was in the grocery after work on V-day, and it was crawling with men buying last-minute gifts and hoping they get lucky.

    Reply
    • I had a feeling you’d like the idea of bacon roses, Rumpy, but I bet I wouldn’t even need to make them in the shape of roses to win your heart 🙂

      It must have been amusing for Jen to watch all those guys running around picking out last minute gifts.

      Reply
  7. Great blog. It is humorous and witty. It put a smile on my face. Blessings, Barbara

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  8. Love the idea of bacon-shaped flowers, and that video is priceless. Hope you and yours had a wonderful Valentines Day.

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  9. how fun!
    Thanks for sharing. Happy ❤ Day!

    Reply
  10. Too funny! I loved this line “Be sure to proofread. At $45 a pound, you don’t want a spelling mistake to send the wrong message to your beloved.” So true! It immediately reminded me of The Office episode with the M&Ms that were supposed to say Astrid. 😉

    Reply
    • So glad you enjoyed the post 🙂 I thought $45 a pound for those chalky candies was an outrageous price. I can only imagine the mistakes autocorrect would make if it was left to run amuck.

      I never watched The Office and I tried to find the clip you referred to, but I didn’t have any luck.

      Reply
  11. I have to admit, I gave in to my daughter’s whim last night and ordered a heart shaped pizza for dinner. Cheesy, I know. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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  12. I guess I should cancel the order I made for those chalky conversation hearts. How about a giant heart-shaped cookie instead? Mmmmmmm

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  13. Great blog! I never thought beyond the heart-shaped box of goodies! But I’m in Kate’s camp….I’m a true chocoholic!! xoxo

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  14. Coming out if a sea of scrambled eggs with French fried potatoes as leaves that would be the treat of a lifetime.

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  15. OK! I’ve just come straight from reading a blog about a pet mini pig! Feeling a tad nauseous if truth be told ! 😉 Maybe will stick to eating something that didn’t have a face in a previous incarnation! lol

    Reply
  16. strawberryquicksand

    A bacon bouquet? You’ve won me over! Life is just better with bacon!

    Reply
  17. Any advice that includes bacon AND George Costanza must be good advice.

    Gotta love sitcoms: http://repocomedy.wordpress.com/author/tuckermay/

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  18. Anyone who offers up advice from George Costanza is clearly brilliant. Plus, bacon is great.

    Reply
  19. Hysterical. I prefer prosciutto. 🙂 mmmm next Year I’ll take prosciutto heart shaped cookies!

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  20. Bacon roses. Watch out, Hallmark and the florists are probably trying to figure out how to get in on that.
    Hope your Valentines Day is perfect

    Reply
  21. Ewww! Make mine chocolate!

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  22. I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day, but this changes everything. I have a feeling most men feel that way, too.

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  23. If you’re married and give those bacon roses, doable sure the life insurance is paid up!

    Reply
  24. Love it! I miss our Holman Hall heart shaped pizza days! 🙂 Fingers crossed for the bacon roses! LOL!

    Reply
    • I remember that pizza (and those days) well. I knew I had a picture of that pizza from 1989 and I found it. I’ll send you a copy. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment 🙂
      Happy Valentine’s Day ❤

      Reply
  25. Deb Weyrich-Cody

    Hey Paprika, ribbon roses or bacon roses – either way the technique’s the same…
    Here’s hoping your Valentine’s Day isn’t greasy (unless you want it that way; )

    Reply

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