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Spring Break Search Party

Spring break is here. People are emerging from their cocoons of winter clothing. Once they see themselves in the flimsy fabrics of the warmer seasons, they may be worried about the weight they gained during the comfort food months. Some of those people are questioning their attractiveness and are looking to their good friend, Google, for some answers. I can only imagine their disappointment when the search terms they used lead them to my post, “It’s a Shame I’m So Attractive,” about how irresistible the insect world finds me. Since these individuals were on a quest for guidance and information, but were directed to my blog, I feel a sense of obligation to respond to their inquiries. Listed below are actual search terms that lead people to Good Humored and my helpful advice for these seekers of knowledge.

“i am so happy im attractive”

Congratulations! There are so many people with low self-esteem that it is refreshing to meet someone who is content with his or her appearance. Your search seems more like a statement and less like a question. What exactly are you looking for on Google?

“im so number one that it is a shame”

Before I had a chance to respond to this search it was subsequently followed by the terms, “humility, what’s that?”

“i think everyone is jealous because I wear glasses”

Where were these so-called jealous people when I began wearing my little pink glasses and a patch over my eye in Kindergarten? I can assure you that not one of my classmates was jealous of the fact that I had to wear glasses, unless you count pirate jokes and the endearing term “four eyes” as a cover for their jealousy.

“m i attractive”

Google is a computer search engine, not a mirror. I’m sorry, but it can’t answer this question for you.

“why is my husband turned on by my freckles”

Does it really matter? Who knows what goes on in a man’s mind? Embrace his freckle fixation. Be glad that he is content getting his fill of freckles at home and is not going out into the world in pursuit of other freckled women. If you’re still curious and really want to know the answer to that question, I suggest you ask him instead of Google.

“i am more attractive than my husband”

Didn’t you realize this before you married him?

“is my spouse more attractive than I am”

This is a subjective question and I don’t think there is any good that can come from the answer. If you insist that you want the answer, Google won’t be of much assistance. Write a blog post, upload pictures of you and your spouse then poll readers to find out.

“when one partner is more attractive than the other jealousy”

I’m not sure if you are the same person who asked, “is my spouse more attractive than me?” If you are that person, I warned you that no good would come from that answer. Now Google can help you find the names and addresses for marriage counselors in your area.

I think I’m getting the hang of writing an advice column; it might be time to switch from writing a humor blog.

About Paprika Furstenburg

I was born with an overly developed sense of humor and poor coordination. The combination of these two character traits has taught me humility and given me the perspective to find the funny in everyday experiences.

49 responses »

  1. Ahahahahahahaha! Paprika you could most definitely write an advice blog, pure genius. How did you find the search terms people use to get to your blog?

    Reply
    • I don’t think the people actually seeking advice would find my suggestions particularly helpful, but it would amuse the rest of us.

      The search terms are listed on the stats page that WordPress provides under “search engine terms.” You can see the terms that lead to your blog for that day or click on the summaries link in that box and see all of the search terms. It’s quite a riot.

      Reply
  2. Giggles! Do you know what the top search on my blog is? Butt Clench, how to butt clench, does butt clenching build muscles…I think they must be very sad to stumble upon it to see what it is exactly about 🙂

    Reply
  3. Incredibly hilarious! 🙂 You rock!

    Reply
  4. This is hilarious! I’m a new reader of your blog and loving it! 🙂

    Reply
  5. Hmm, so mirror mirror on the wall who’s the fairest teacher of all????

    Reply
  6. rosemary and basil

    We loved the advice column! Also re-read the insect blog again and laughed again! You are a great writer!

    Reply
  7. I can relate to the glasses and eye patch thing. When my youngest also had to wear an eye patch, we drew cartoon characters on the patch, or a cake if it was her birthday. That drew a lot of admiring comments. About the strange searches … I’m often amazed on what pulls folks to my blog. Very funny blog.

    Reply
    • What a wonderful idea to decorate your youngest’s eye patch. No one in my family, including me, thought to do that. I was of the, “Maybe they won’t notice it if is is skin colored philosophy.” I was wrong, but I swear that that experience at such a young age helped me to develop my sense of humor.

      Thanks for sharing your story. Glad you enjoyed the post 🙂

      Reply
  8. So funny you did this. I was thinking the same thing. I get easily 20 hits a day with people typing in butt crack due to my Crack is Wack, Especially Butt Crack post I did. I never knew there was so much interest in butt crack. Lol

    Reply
    • After seeing the searches that have lead people back to my blog, I give even more serious consideration to titles and tags I put with each post. I can only imagine the “butt crack” search terms you are getting. You should absolutely do a post about it.

      Reply
  9. Very funny what people search for!! And I, too, would like to know about utensil etiquette!!
    As for the advice column, you have my vote also!! That is a column I would look forward to reading…I’m laughing just thinking about it!!!

    Reply
    • I’m sensing a trend of readers who are interested in having me write an advice column, but I don’t think anyone would be sending me actual questions seeking advice. If they do, they won’t be happy with the answers they get.

      Reply
  10. Really? People actually worry about this? Us dogs may have to rethink this Man’s Best Friend stuff.

    Reply
    • Honestly, Rumpy, I wouldn’t make this stuff up. I’m not clever enough to come up with it all on my own. Some people are very worried about this. They need to take a lesson from dogs and cats who think they are so attractive they can’t imagine anyone not agreeing with them.

      Reply
  11. Thanks! 🙂

    I’m not so sure people seeking my advice would find it all that helpful, but I appreciate your encouragement.

    Reply
  12. I agree with philosphermouse. As much as I enjoy your humor blog, how great it would be to have somebody offering sage advice about all the marital questions that arise every day.

    Not that I’m speaking about MY marriage, of course!

    Ronnie

    Reply
  13. KatherinesDaughter

    I am always amazed at the search lines as well that lead folks to my blog. What the heck? People come up with some strange stuff! Love your post!

    Reply
    • I’m suprised at the subjects people search the internet for. Maybe I’m just old, but it wouldn’t occur to me to search the internet for some of the answers these people are seeking.

      So glad you enjoyed the post 🙂 Thanks for commenting.

      Reply
  14. LOL So it really IS all in the title, isn’t it? Too funny. Those search results are hilarious. My blog’s not publicized, so I don’t get any of that fun stuff. I’d rather enjoy yours. 🙂

    Reply
  15. I am simply astounded at the kind of search queries that lead people to your blog, Paprika. And I agree with Philosophermouse: your advice column would be a total hoot, and your fame would know no bounds.

    Reply
    • The search queries are so intriguing to me that I’ve started recording them in a notebook. If material like this is going to just land in my lap, I’m not going to ignore it.

      I appreciate your vote of confidence in my ability to create an advice column, but just think of those poor souls who actually think they will be getting helpful advice.

      Reply
  16. I dated only one really good looking man. Mostly he acted like he was doing me a favor. My advice: stick with a plain guy who thinks YOU’RE beautiful.

    Reply
  17. I was pondering (or is it pandering) which present day or past tabloid or political figures may have been responsible for the searches you reported. I offer the following as the potential seekers, but you may find better possibilities: “i am more attractive than my husband” (Mary Pat Christie); “im so number one it is a shame” (Richard Nixon); “i am so happy im attractive” (Kim Kardashian); “i think everyone is jealous because I wear glasses” (Sara Palin).

    Reply
    • That is an interesting spin to put on this type of post. I often wonder who the people are who are using these search terms, but what fun it would be to assign them to someone famous or infamous. You’ve given some excellent examples!

      Reply
  18. You’ll have to create a Magic Spice Rack 8 (ala Magic Ball 8) and readers can divine the answers to life’s most meaningful questions.

    Reply
  19. as funny as it all seems, it really is sad that people think their physical attractiveness is what matters most

    Reply
  20. Your fun advice reminds me of a story– I once called Arthur Schwartz on Food Talk and asked his advice on utensil etiquette. I explained that my husband and I disagreed about proper etiquette. After he heard me out he said, “You don’t need a food expert, you need a marriage counselor.”

    Reply
  21. Outrageously funny!
    (I can’t believe people actually google this stuff. But I can’t believe those kids get on Facebook and ask if they are pretty – insanity)
    You simply must start an advice column. Sure you would instantly become even more famous-er!

    Reply

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