Some gifts are much anticipated and others are just happy surprises. They aren’t necessarily something you’d ask for, yet, nevertheless, you realize them for the joy they bring. This holiday season, I thought I’d share some of the search terms that brought me great joy this past year. Each of these searches is quoted verbatim. As you’ll see, there was no need to embellish the searches to make them any funnier.
For those of you interested in catching up on the Good Humored archives. I’ve included a link to the post that I think inspired these searches.
“picture of person with flaming marshmallow stuck to skin” (inspired by Size Does Matter)
I’ve gotten molten marshmallow on my skin and it hurts. If I have a flaming marshmallow stuck to my skin, I would hope my friend would douse me with water then wipe the gooey mess from my blistering skin, not take a picture for all the world to Google.
Another search related to this topic was “disterbing facts about marshmallows.” What could someone find so objectionable about marshmallows? They’re spongy. They’re sweet. They’re the glue that holds a s’more together. What’s so disturbing about that?
“dermatologist remove underwear” (inspired by I Wanted to Crawl Out of My Skin)
Without punctuation to help clarify the situation, I shudder to think what response this person was hoping for. Was this a modest person who wanted to know if he/she will need to remove their underwear during a dermatological exam? Or, is this person concerned because the dermatologist removed his underwear during the exam?
“spelling bee flowers” (inspired by The Obsolescence of Spelling)
Sorry to disappoint, but you won’t find spelling bees pollinating any flowers. They aren’t real bees. Maybe what you really wanted to know was which flowers would be appropriate to bring a winner of a spelling bee. That’s an easy one. You should choose flowers that have names that are difficult to spell: chrysanthemums, hyacinths or phlox.
“wiping torture” & “ass that smarts” & “what happens if you eat the elastic from a candy necklace” (inspired by what I now realize are way too many posts about bathroom related topics)
These were 3 unique searches. I certainly hope these searches were from different people on different days. However, if that person ate the elastic from a candy necklace, I’d say it would probably lead to some wiping torture and an ass that smarts.
“I don’t like going topless” (inspired by The Perils of Going Topless)
I don’t understand searches like this. What does this person expect Google to do? It’s a search engine, not a therapist. If you don’t like going topless, put on a shirt. It’s as simple as that.
“who here is an asshole that don’t clean up their dog shit” (inspired by Much Ado about Poo)
I’m not sure how Google will help answer this question either. This search oozes attitude. When you have that kind of tone in a search, who’d be willing to fess up? Maybe if you try asking more politely, you’ll get a better response.
“Why is my oregano so fine?”
I don’t know why your oregano is so fine, but I know why my Oregano is and I’m not telling.
“paprika erased my wrinkles”
This search sounds like an infomercial. If it really works I’m heading to the spice aisle of the supermarket and cleaning out their paprika supply. My wrinkles might not disappear, but I bet my skin would have a lovely reddish hue.
“stupidity at its finest” (inspired by every post I’ve ever written)
I should probably be insulted that this search led someone to Good Humored. On one hand it’s upsetting to think that my writing is stupid. However, if it is stupid, I want it to be the best kind of stupid available. My readers deserve nothing less than the best.
“hot woman and paprika funny”
This one is an ego booster especially after I’ve been referred to as stupidity at its finest.
The bounty of wacky search terms was so extensive that it was difficult to choose just a few to share. I hope they’ve brought you as much joy as they’ve brought me. Remember to keep your eyes open to unexpected gifts from the universe. You never know when or where they’ll appear.