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The Gifts That Keep On Giving – Search Terms

Some gifts are much anticipated and others are just happy surprises. They aren’t necessarily something you’d ask for, yet, nevertheless, you realize them for the joy they bring. This holiday season, I thought I’d share some of the search terms that brought me great joy this past year.  Each of these searches is quoted verbatim. As you’ll see, there was no need to embellish the searches to make them any funnier.

For those of you interested in catching up on the Good Humored archives. I’ve included a link to the post that I think inspired these searches.

“picture of person with flaming marshmallow stuck to skin”  (inspired by Size Does Matter)

I’ve gotten molten marshmallow on my skin and it hurts. If I have a flaming marshmallow stuck to my skin, I would hope my friend would douse me with water then wipe the gooey mess from my blistering skin, not take a picture for all the world to Google.

Another search related to this topic was “disterbing facts about marshmallows.”  What could someone find so objectionable about marshmallows? They’re spongy. They’re sweet. They’re the glue that holds a s’more together. What’s so disturbing about that?

“dermatologist remove underwear”  (inspired by I Wanted to Crawl Out of My Skin)

Without punctuation to help clarify the situation, I shudder to think what response this person was hoping for.  Was this a modest person who wanted to know if he/she will need to remove their underwear during a dermatological exam? Or, is this person concerned because the dermatologist removed his underwear during the exam?

“spelling bee flowers”  (inspired by The Obsolescence of Spelling)

Sorry to disappoint, but you won’t find spelling bees pollinating any flowers. They aren’t real bees. Maybe what you really wanted to know was which flowers would be appropriate to bring a winner of a spelling bee. That’s an easy one. You should choose flowers that have names that are difficult to spell: chrysanthemums, hyacinths or phlox.

“wiping torture” & “ass that smarts” & “what happens if you eat the elastic from a candy necklace”  (inspired by what I now realize are way too many posts about bathroom related topics)

These were 3 unique searches. I certainly hope these searches were from different people on different days. However, if that person ate the elastic from a candy necklace, I’d say it would probably lead to some wiping torture and an ass that smarts.

“I don’t like going topless”  (inspired by The Perils of Going Topless)

I don’t understand searches like this. What does this person expect Google to do? It’s a search engine, not a therapist. If you don’t like going topless, put on a shirt. It’s as simple as that.

“who here is an asshole that don’t clean up their dog shit” (inspired by Much Ado about Poo)

I’m not sure how Google will help answer this question either. This search oozes attitude. When you have that kind of tone in a search, who’d be willing to fess up? Maybe if you try asking more politely, you’ll get a better response.

 “Why is my oregano so fine?”

I don’t know why your oregano is so fine, but I know why my Oregano is and I’m not telling.

“paprika erased my wrinkles”

This search sounds like an infomercial. If it really works I’m heading to the spice aisle of the supermarket and cleaning out their paprika supply.  My wrinkles might not disappear, but I bet my skin would have a lovely reddish hue.

“stupidity at its finest” (inspired by every post I’ve ever written)

I should probably be insulted that this search led someone to Good Humored. On one hand it’s upsetting to think that my writing is stupid. However, if it is stupid, I want it to be the best kind of stupid available. My readers deserve nothing less than the best.

 “hot woman and paprika funny”

This one is an ego booster especially after I’ve been referred to as stupidity at its finest.

The bounty of wacky search terms was so extensive that it was difficult to choose just a few to share. I hope they’ve brought you as much joy as they’ve brought me. Remember to keep your eyes open to unexpected gifts from the universe. You never know when or where they’ll appear.

About Paprika Furstenburg

I was born with an overly developed sense of humor and poor coordination. The combination of these two character traits has taught me humility and given me the perspective to find the funny in everyday experiences. Good Humored is my first blog.

37 responses »

  1. I am so envious of you bloggers that get all the cool search terms leading to your blog! Ya wanna know what MY top search term was for 2013? CONGRATULATIONS! Yeah, can you believe it? The blog post where I have to tell everybody I was a LOSER in a nice way that says I’m not a SORE loser, and that’s where I get most of my search engine traffic. Sometimes the Universe really knows how to rub your nose in it.

    Reply
    • Who searches on congratulations anyway? What could they possibly hope to gain from a search on that term?

      I’d be happy to lend you some of my weird search terms if you ever want any. Believe me. I have plenty of crazy to go around.

      Reply
  2. Search terms. always a source of amusement… and shivers…These people are out there – loose – unattended.
    always a great read here. Thanks. Hope your new year is bright and wonderful

    Reply
    • Happy 2014 to you!

      Thanks for reading and always letting me know how much you enjoy it.

      You’re right. Those people are out there loose an unattended. Let’s hope they find what they are looking for whatever it may be.

      Reply
  3. Oh I’m glad that I didn’t miss this post! I’ve been away a lot for the last several months (personal junk) but I just love reading this! Thank you for the smiles. Hope your have a wonderful 2014. :D

    Reply
  4. Pingback: May You Always | Invisible Shadow

  5. If only the wrinkle erasing were as easy as a little paprika rub. But I know I can always count on you for good humor!

    Reply
  6. You would not believe what having the word “slattern” attached to your blog reels in.

    Reply
  7. Your search terms are much better than mine. I get questions about farts. Sigh. I know too much about them, sadly.

    Reply
  8. Too funny! Thanks for my daily giggle. I’m always amazed at what search terms bring people to my blog. Amazed and a little creeped out at the same time!

    Reply
  9. “Hot woman” and “Paprika funny” are both on target. Loved these search terms. I was kind of disappointed to learn that Google – or some other search engine – is not revealing some of the search terms. I found some of them to be very entertaining and, a few, mystifying as to why they landed on my blog.

    Reply
  10. Totally enjoy all your posts, Paprika!!! Frequent enough to keep an interest and excitement when a new one is out there.

    Reply
  11. Hilarious, Paprika!! The poo one made me spew coffee. Really? People ask those questions of Google? That’s just wrong. And funny.

    It’s posts like this that actually MAKE me want to go public on searches. I’m still hesitant given my blog’s children portions, but I wonder what kind of things people search for that would land them to my stealing trash, giant grub, or birds and bugs having sex posts. And mine’s not a humor blog. Really…curious. Cheers. And Happy New Year!

    Reply
    • It’s nice to see you back again, Shannon.

      I think this is the 3rd post of done on search terms because I find them that amusing. I wonder if people would type in those terms if they knew someone was watching…

      If you do decide to go pubic with your blog and you have posts about birds and bugs having sex, I can guarantee you will have some very funny and strange search terms.

      Happy New Year to you and your family :)

      Reply
  12. This is hilarious! But I was under the impression that Google was my therapist. Google has all the answers, so surely they can tell me how to live my life? Right?

    Reply
  13. I’m amazed at some of the search terms that lead to my blog! And yes, some are just too funny and others leave me scratching my head!!! :)

    Reply

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